The Wizards Who Don’t Do Anything

Edited to Add: The incredible Aaron Good actually recorded a performance of this song. It is an unholy abomination and I am delighted beyond words.

And now it’s time for “Silly Songs with Dalamar,” the part of the show where Dalamar comes out and sings a silly song.
Joining Dalamar are Mordenkainen and Elminster, who together make up
The infamous gang of scholarly wags, the Wizards Who Don’t Do Anything.

CHORUS: We are the Wizards Who Don’t Do Anything!
We just stay home and read a lot
And if you ask us to do wizarding, we’ll just tell you
We don’t do anything!

[Verse 1: Mordenkainen]

Well, I’ve never been to Theros
And I’ve never been to Ravnica
And I’ve never dug up secrets among the tomes of Candlekeep
And I’ve never been to Netheril
And I won’t go back to SPOILERS
And I’ve never been to Luskan in the fall!

[Chorus: Wizards]

[Verse 2: Elminster]

Well I never find familiars
And I never teach apprentices
And I never consult star charts
‘Cause I never cast at all
And I’ve never tried a cantrip
And I’ve never shifted planes
And I’ve never been to Luskan in the fall!

[Chorus: Wizards]

[Verse 3: Dalamar]

Well, I’ve never plucked a cockatrice
And don’t call me a drow
And I can’t get you that interview
With Takhisis at all
And I’ve never studied gully dwarf
And I’ve never gotten ear seekers
And I’ve never been to Luskan in the fall!


M: Huh? What are you talking about? What does a cockatrice or Takhisis have to do with being a wizard?
E: Hey, that’s right! We’re supposed to sing about wizardy stuff!
M: And who’s ever studied gully dwarf? They’re racist nonsense, why even bring it up? Am I right? What do you think?
E: I think you look like Todd Kenreck
M: Huh? No I don’t
E: Do too
M: Do not
E: You’re making me CENSORED
M: That’s it, you’re getting banished
E: Says who?
M: Says Idle Champions
E: Oh yeah? Aye, aye, Champion Avren, sir!
M: Mirror image!
E: Yikes!

[Verse 4: Dalamar]

And I’ve never served the Old One
And I’ve never held Blackrazor
And I’ve never painted Nolzur’s
Marvelous pigments
on a wall
And I’ve never tasted green slime
And I don’t look good in White Robes
[All] And we’ve never been to Luskan in the fall!

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