Covfefe: Two Stat Blocks


This blog almost never intersects with politics or moment-to-moment pop culture, but today… today I make an exception, out of anger and a nigh-hysteric desire to make something to laugh about. Therefore, in honor of a most excellent Twitter response to a most bizarre and now-deleted tweet. You know what, you probably heard all about it, so let’s just jump in. Today I bring you… stat blocks for Covfefe the Strong and the Wizard Covfefe. I did not originate these characters; this is merely continuing the joke.

COVFEFE THE STRONG

Medium humanoid, chaotic neutral

Armor Class  14 (Unarmored Defense)
Hit Points  120 (16d8 + 48)
Speed 30 ft.
STR DEX CON INT WIS CHA
17 (+3) 12 (+1) 16 (+3) 8 (-1) 13 (+1) 10 (+0)
Saving Throws Con +5
Damage Resistances (while raging) bludgeoning, piercing, and slashing damage
Condition Immunities (while raging) charmed, frightened
Senses passive Perception 11
Languages Common
Challenge 4 (1,100 XP)
Berserk Rage. As a bonus action, Covfefe the Strong can enter a berserk rage. When he does so, he gains resistance to bludgeoning, piercing, and slashing damage, and immunity to the charmed and frightened conditions. He gains advantage on Strength checks and saving throws. This rage lasts until Covfefe the Strong ends a turn without having attacked a creature or taken damage since the end of his last turn. He can also end his rage voluntarily as a bonus action.

Reckless Attack. Covfefe the Strong can choose to gain advantage on all attacks he makes this turn. If he does so, all enemies who attack him until the beginning of his next turn gain advantage on their attack rolls.

Seeker of the Orb. Covfefe the Strong seeks the Orb of T’kketh with a fierce determination. While he possesses the Orb or is within 30 feet of it, he automatically loses all contested ability checks in which he rolls Wisdom (Insight).

Actions

Multiattack. Covfefe the Strong makes three maul attacks.

Maul. Melee Weapon Attack: +5 to hit, reach 5 ft., one target. Hit: 10 (2d6 + 3) bludgeoning damage.

THE WIZARD COVFEFE

Medium humanoid, neutral evil

Armor Class  12 (15 with mage armor)
Hit Points  112 (15d8 + 45)
Speed 30 ft.
STR DEX CON INT WIS CHA
8 (-1) 14 (+2) 16 (+3) 18 (+4) 13 (+1) 10 (+0)
Skills Deception +3, Intimidation +3
Senses passive Perception 11
Languages Common
Challenge 5 (1,800 XP)
Spellcasting. The wizard Covfefe is an 9th-level spellcaster. His spellcasting ability is Intelligence (spell save DC 15, +7 to hit with spell attacks). The wizard Covfefe has the following spells prepared:

Cantrips (at-will): fire bolt (3d10), light, minor illusion, prestidigitation, shocking grasp (3d8)
1st level (4 slots): expeditious retreat, grease, Tasha’s hideous laughter
2nd level (3 slots): Nystul’s magic aura, magic mouth
3rd level (3 slots): fear, sending, stinking cloud
4th level (3 slots): blight, confusion, Mordenkainen’s private sanctum
5th level (1 slot): cloudkill, mislead

Malleable Illusions. When the wizard Covfefe casts an illusion spell that has a duration of 1 minute or longer, he can use his action to change the nature of the illusion (using the spell’s normal parameters for the illusion), provided he can see the illusion.

Seeker of the Orb. The wizard Covfefe seeks the Orb of T’kketh with all of his might. While he possesses it or is within 30 feet of it, he wins all contested ability checks against an ally in which he rolls Charisma (Deception) or Charisma (Intimidation).

Actions

Dagger. Melee Weapon Attack: +5 to hit, reach 5 ft., one target. Hit: 5 (1d4 + 3) piercing damage.

Actual Use

By all means, use these characters in your own campaigns. I mean, their stat blocks are basically fine and legit. You should pick more long-duration illusions for the wizard Covfefe to capitalize on the Malleable Illusions trait, rather than making a bunch of stupid jokes like I’m doing here. Unless you have a cool idea for it, drop the Seeker of the Orb traits from both stat blocks. Have fun, y’all.

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